my brand spankin' new universe

It's funny. No matter how much you resist metamorphosing into a gooey ball of tediously cliched Spielbergian sentimentality, sometimes you have to accept that there really are certain events that produce a sea change in your relationship with the universe.

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but such an event occurred on Monday.

By the way, you'd think it would take fewer than 100 posts on a self-described pregnancy blog (this being #101) to realize that there's a little boy stewing away in my spouse. But I digress. Where was I?

Ah yes: my recent brush with existential clarity.

I kind of knew something was up. I mean, it sounds silly, but until Monday, d.w.'s pregnancy was still little more than a theoretical concept (a phrase I seem to have unconsciously appropriated from Dad-to-Be). I found myself constantly reminding myself of that whole "big belly = little baby" equation. But here's the thing: the universe didn't coalesce at all like I was expecting. Maybe I've grown too accustomed to novelists and screenwriters using the "transformative Aha! moment" as a lazy substitute for character development, but that's what I really thought would happen. I thought I would see the sonogram image and experience a single transcendent moment of oneness with... well, I hadn't quite figured out what exactly.

So here's what happened instead: I'm sitting in the little ultrasound room looking up at the little monitor in the corner, when a fuzzy black-and-white image of a very small person pops up.

"Huh. That's kinda cool," I think. I look down at d.w.'s slime-coated belly. I look back at the monitor. I look at the belly again.

"OK. So that thing," I think, staring intently at the monitor, "is in my wife. Huh. OK. Right now, I am looking at my kid. I know that. Really. I do."

Not totally convinced, I stare even harder at the belly this time. Then back to the monitor.

"Alright then, self, let's see if we can put this together..."

And on it goes, throughout the appointment. And for most of that afternoon.

Hmm. So now that I come to it, the part where I am supposed to close this post with a witty-yet-poignant revelation about when and how this whole "having a baby" thing finally hit me, I'm still kind of at a loss. Like I said, there was no single moment. Rather, it was a lot of little moments during the past week: walking by the refrigerator and seeing where d.w. had put up a couple of sonogram pics; referring to the zygote by his name rather than an ambiguous "it"; laying my hand on d.w.'s belly and feeling the little bruiser kick for the first time. The glee-inducing list goes on and on.

And now the world is completely different. Completely. Brighter, somehow. More beautiful. Overflowing with hope and promise and happiness.

And I'd take that over a single, fleeting moment of transendent clarity any day.

Comments

[samantha campen]

That's a great post. You're right. It's not always an Aha! moment. Life isn't like that, so I appreciate what you wrote. I've never had a baby but the closest thing I can think of to what you're talking about is when I got married. I totally thought the minute we kissed at the alter I'd feel Like A Wife but I didn't. Not at the reception or on our honeymoon. Just gradually. Because that's how life is.

Congrats yet again. So exciting!

[dear wife]

Yeah, I did the same thing at the ultrasound. I kept having to repeat "That is inside of me." You think this would be easier for me since he likes to kick pretty much constantly, but it still has taken some time to sink in. I still do not think it will be totally real until I hold him in my arms.

[andrea]

Even after you hold them it's not always aha, either. You meet them, you love them, but it sometimes takes a few days before it sinks in that this little tiny you're holding? You made. Awwwwww!

[Lauren]

Oh how sweet! Though I'm certainly not comparing the two, I remember seeing my cousin's belly move, near the very end of her pregnancy. And it was so clear- a little fist moving first right, then left, poking through her skin. Blew my mind, and this was her second kid!

Congratulations, ZD and DW!

[Dad_to_Be]

K___ still doesn't believe there's really a baby in there despite the ultrasounds!

One good thing you get to understand by peeking at other people's baby blogs is that there's no such thing as normal for a lot of this stuff, and whatever works for you is the best. That's my take, anyway.

[Teacher Lady]

Beautiful post. Really - just some amazing writing. Somebody should be paying you for this stuff.

[catching it all]

I had to subscribe to your blog completely on the (amazing) strength of this comment alone: ". Maybe I've grown too accustomed to novelists and screenwriters using the "transformative Aha! moment" as a lazy substitute for character development, but that's what I really thought would happen. I thought I would see the sonogram image and experience a single transcendent moment of oneness with... well, I hadn't quite figured out what exactly."

Great writing, I look forward to following your journey! :-)

[zygote daddy]

Thank you all for your good wishes! I am truly humbled and touched.

[Brooklyn718]

Im sure we all feel like the world is crumbling around us lately. Reading this puts those thoughts to rest. Beautiful.

I wish you and your family the best, and thank you for making today a bit brighter.